You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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