It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
