Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
