lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
