i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
