Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
