You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
