theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
