I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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