Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
