While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
