God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
