anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
