how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize