dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
