Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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