Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize