my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
