I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
