I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
