you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you win again, gameday.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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