im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
