I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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