I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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