recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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