boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
