Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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