Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize