The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
