Me too!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
