from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize