This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
