dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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