The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize