Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
