I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
