neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
