we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
