I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
