remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize