wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I haven't been this sober since birth.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
