just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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