Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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