Kiss
Puke
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
