The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
