We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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