I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
