i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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