you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
