im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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