i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
