i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
