I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize