she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
