Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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