She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
pray to the hookup gods
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
