i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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