just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I did not marry a roomba.
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