First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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