it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
