when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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