I can tuck mytits in my pants
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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