She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
