How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
