Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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