i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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