dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
