Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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