So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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